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Books, Dildo’s & Smoke Alarms
I can’t remember now where I saw it, but cruising through the Edit threads I happened to chance on a connection to Coffeeshop Amnesia. Proudly displayed in the events section was an ad for Zoe’s Tea Party for Sunday 27th July 2003. At the time it was all the excuse I needed to launch myself off for a well needed health visit to Amsterdam.
Sitting in the airport waiting to get on the plane I wondered what I’d find Zoe up to this time. I also wondered if Timpel Tim from Edit would be able to find the place, and if Skippy from the Hippie site would turn up to debate opium hashish. I also wondered if Fur would make it with her husband. I was looking forward to meeting them all for the first time, except Zoe who I’ve known for years.
I’d had a smooth ride to the airport, no problems checking in the new electronic way, & I had changed over some pocket gold. The place was packed & a highly security conscious woman in a pink jacket gave me barely time to draw breath before targeting me. She told me my gate & boarding time & suggested in a manner that said she would scream for security if I didn’t take heed, that I should wait ‘over there’. Well over there was crowded with no seats, so I set up camp on the floor again. Then my arse started to go numb, so I had to get up again. The idea had caught on though, everyone else was starting to camp on the floor too. Mercifully the wait was short.
Getting off the plane a woman approached me & began asking for directions to the trains. She said that she & her son/lover/companion had been following me all the way from off the plane because they didn’t know their way about !? I ditched them still inside custom control at the cash machine. They could be straight, but you never know. Strange things can happen, & they were about to.
I took tram 4 from Central Station over to the Hemp Hotel to drop off my bags with the intention of hitting town for some supplys. Vickey recognized me straight away, which was a bit of a shock, because I couldn’t for the life of me remember where I’d met her before. Nice girl, rather cute. I shan’t forget her again that’s for sure.
Breakfast was in full swing as I arrived. Quenching my thirst on a cold cider I got talking to a couple who had only just met each other after long correspondence on the internet over many years. Tommy was an Englishman who had lived for many years in Australia, currently he said he lived in China. He had flown into England to meet Cath, who said she lived in Spain teaching, just about eight days ago. They had checked into H.H. the day before, & they didn’t know their way around. So, cutting a long story more or less the same length I ended up taking them first to Barney’s (I was hungry) then to Homegrown Fantaseeds for some Philosophers Stones, on to the Magic Mushroom Gallery for some ephedra tabs and then to Amnesia. Tommy beat me 2 to 1 at draughts, the first time I’ve lost a match in nearly thirty years, before it occurred to me that there was no sign of Zoe, or the Tea Party.
I made enquiries & discovered that the Tea Party was held two weeks earlier. Tommy & Cath began making some evening plans for their mushrooms. There was no sign of Tim either so I rolled a nice Ital, stuck it behind my ear & fired up the Nepalese I scored from Piccasso in the Mushroom pipe I’d brought with me. Just as the three of us were about to get up & leave Tim arrived.
I’d been looking forward to meeting Tim, Edits biggest & fastest poster. He had his friend Michele with him too. Well we were all soon talking up a storm & making the air cloudy when out of the clear blue sky Tommy says,
“Tonight’s mission is to find Cathy here a vibrator. Are there many dildo shops ?”
Tim looked at me, I looked back at Tim, we both looked at Michele & the three of us looked at Tommy first then slowly at Cath. They weren’t joking. A plan of action was drawn up. Go back to H.H., (shit, shave, shower & shampoo) then go across the road to the Thai place for something to eat, back to H.H. for a few drinks & a smoke, drop the mushies, & go into town. After a half hour waiting in the bar I went up to give Tommy & Cath a shout & see where they had got to as they had asked us to wait for them. “Oh hang on”, came the reply, “I’m just getting a blow job.”. I ran.
So Tim, Michele & I had a great Thai meal just up the road from H.H.. When we went back to H.H. for a smoke after the meal Tommy & Cath were in the bar.
“Vernon, could I have a little word with you ? I’d like to ask you a question.”.
I exchanged glances with Tim & raised an eyebrow. The three of us had had quite laugh over me interrupting his blow job earlier. Tommy came up to me & spoke quietly in my ear. He wanted to find a hooker that would go down on Cath & allow him to watch. He wanted to know if I would be interested in watching too. Tommy & Cath were both in their fifties. Though a nice lady, Cath looked a little like a bad advert for scattered cushions, one of which had burst.
Frankly I was somewhat surprised by the suggestion. Something inside me shriveled at the idea as it touched my ears. I had no desire to mess with this woman’s giblets, nor did the thought of watching somebody else mess with them particularly appeal to me. I had mushrooms & ganja on my mind & was looking forward to a good night with Tim & Michele. As politely as I could manage, I declined. Tommy was disappointed. With his pencil moustache Tommy was fast becoming the archetypal pervert of many a 1970’s British comedy film. A sort of kinky Leslie Philips.
Anyway the mushrooms got split up & eaten & all five of us headed into town via the Bluebird. It was at this point the party worm as Tim calls it made itself felt. So Tim & Michele went to find a club. That left me in the centre of the red light district, tripping, with the kinky couple, on a mission to find a vibrating dildo.
It could only happen in Amsterdam. I wondered how the hell I’d gotten into this position. It all seemed quite reasonable while we were in the bar. Somehow Tommy had talked me into being their tour guide for the night.
After some walking a sex shop was somewhat randomly selected. I stood in the doorway whilst Tommy & Cath got down to business looking out onto a bridge watching tourists mix with hustlers & dealers & police while the window princesses drew admirers. The mushies were strong & I could feel my head going to mushroom land as I gazed out onto the street scene. I turned just in time to see Tommy dashing out the door past me as the mushies hit him mid sentence in full flow about his requirements. Looking into the shop I saw Cath being confronted with a device that would be better employed removing the bubbles from fresh laid concrete. She was turning beetroot red & began looking most distressed. The mushies had begun to hit her too.
Some little while later we ended up in Cassa Rossa. I was completely off my trolly by this stage, tripping my face off. I was seeing things. I didn’t really want to be there with these two. Not when I was trying to get into my trip. Besides, things were getting a bit weird with them. Like making sure I was sat between them during the show. I started feeling nervous as it seemed these two might have plans for me. I’d heard of folks like this, ‘swingers’ is the name for them I’m told, but this was the first time I’d actually met any. The group sex thing wouldn’t have been any real problem for me, I’m open to a new experiences, but those to be prospectively involved in it would most definitely be a problem for me. I might have felt differently if everything had been in its right place, twenty years younger & about four stone lighter, but there you go. That’s reality, always a fucking disappointment. There wasn’t any way on this side of Hell that I was going to be messing with her giblets. I didn’t even want to think about Tommy’s activities.
However it was sort of my fault that they were there. Cath had never been stoned until that afternoon & Tommy had been strong arming her into doing some of the mushies too. They didn’t know their way around either. Also I was so out of it I just couldn’t do much but stare straight ahead as the illusions multiplied & girls shimmered in the swirling lights stripping & performing blow jobs on a bloke dressed as Batman. I lost track of the performers & their performances in the much more interesting lighting effects hallowing and shimmering all around them, turning them into silhouette’s.
Coming out of there was something that couldn’t come quick enough for me though. I like to keep moving when I trip. I don’t like to feel boxed in. I headed the little party back to the sanctuary of the H.H. Bar before Tommy Torment & Kinky Cath realized just how many hookers were around us to make their weird desires come to fruition. I had no intention of playing ‘hunt the hooker’ with these two. I had an appointment with a couple of ciders (& some green spirit) in Lali’s company that I had no intention of missing, & time was getting short. It was 2:15 am.
I made it to the H.H. Bar by twenty five to three. When the bar shut I took up a glass from the bar to my room for some green spirit. Tommy sussed on, so, I set him up a couple of shots. Its funny watching people drink Green Goddess for the first time. The strength of it surprises them. First their face contorts from shock to horror as they try & inhale fresh air & find they can’t. Then it changes to panic as their insides feel like they’ve been set ablaze. Then comes the relief as they start breathing again, sometimes coughing, gagging, or just struggling not to puke. Finally comes amazement & wonder & one of two reactions; ‘I’m never touching that stuff again as long as I live.’, or; ‘I’ll have another glass please.’.
This guy went for the second glass. ___________________________________________
Monday
28th Next
day, after breakfast, I waited in the H.H. Bar for Tim & Michele
to turn up as arranged the night before. They never made it, so by
1:30 pm I assumed they had partied too hard & were still in some
fucked up condition sleeping it off in Tim’s
dad’s car. So I kitted myself out with a bike & headed
over to the Pollinator Co to do some business. Mila was in good spirits & we chatted about a number of topics like the new extradition treaty that has just been signed by Holland, U.K. & the U.S.A.. The new treaty theoretically makes it possible for the Americans to extradite any British or Dutch national who sells hash/marijuana, or pipes ect, to any American whether they be in the U.K., Netherlands, or the U.S.A..
We also chatted about how Tony Blair is now a wanted man in Belgium where he is set to be brought to trial for War Crimes/Crimes Against Humanity/Human Rights Abuse by the United Nations Court Of Human Rights. The Americans refuse to recognize the U.N. & say they will invade & attack any country that arrests any American over ‘War Crimes’ involvement, including Holland & Belguim.
Having completed giving Mila my order I made my way back to H.H. with some of the goods. Tommy had taken Cath to the hairdresser. They had done a really good job on her to, & they had obviously been shopping for some new outfits for her. Cath looked very presentable.
It was at this point, I think, that I got talking to Stickii.
Stickii is the author of ‘The Underground Guide To Amsterdam’. I met him last year at the Cannabis Cup. I enquired if Stickii’s book was still available as there had been quite a legal fuss over its publication. Stickii had had to go to court along with the publisher about it. I spent the rest of the evening just chilling out & talking with folks. Catching up on news & taking the piss with Irish Mic & Rob who were aware of the kinky couples atempt at involving me in thier affairs. American John rang me from America for a chat. (Sorry mate, I didn’t get the chance to see either Zoe or Eagle Bill.) Cath wasn’t in the bar that night but Tommy was. How it came about I’m not sure just now but I remember having a bit of a go at Tommy for strong arming Cath into drugs & kinky sex. On his way up to his room he sidled up to me & suggested quietly that if I’d like to give one to Cath he’d be quite into it, in fact he wouldn’t mind watching. I declined, informed the Irish lads of Tommy’s suggestion & had a laugh riot in the bar. We were joined by Newcastle Sunny, American Derek (Vickey’s fella) Vickey, bar regular Maarten, Mila, Stickii, & the two new girls from Australia Danielle & Angela with their friend Matt, with Lali behind the Bar. Sunny joined me for a glass of Green later that night after the bar closed. _________________________________________________
Tuesday 29th July
I was up early & caught Anasha coming to open up the bar for breakfast. Swiftly I filled her in about the kinky couple in Room 2. I finished breakfast & was heading for the door when Tommy & Cath came down looking to make me guide for the day again. “Sorry, I‘m working today.”, I said slipping out the door swiftly.
I headed straight for the Mushroom Galaxy just off the Rembrantplein square to negotiate some ‘Underground Guides’. Then I went up to the Pollinator Co. because I had forgotten what I had arranged with Mila the night before in the bar. Then I went to find the Oriental supply shop in the Nieuwe Market as I had been told on previous visits that this was the place to come & get Thai chilies. They are quite difficult to get hold of in the U.K. & expensive too. I found the place & scored a kilo bag of the stuff for around £6.
From there I went to the Cannabis College & spent a good hour talking to a rather charming American girl about plants & varieties. Shiva originates from the area regarded as the birth place of cannabis, the Hindu Kush mountains. It is a 100% genuine Afghani Indica and should be regarded as cannabis Afghanica. She also informed me that the Bluebird had been busted a couple of times & was in serious danger of losing its license. It seems the first bust had them for stocking more than 500g on the property. The second bust had to do with making them take down/change their logo, 17 years in use. Since then there had been trouble with some tourists who had sat down with some beers on the terrace. If a cop had seen just one beer the shop would have been shut. Top man Peter poked his head in for a while & I was surprised when he said hello to me, obviously knowing who I was.
“Haven’t seen you for a while. Six months ?”
“I was here in March.”, I said.
Peter asked me if I knew about the lad doing the Coffeeshop Tours from Cannabis College. I did, & if I had time I intended to take one. Lorna Clay had been there as I arrived but she was on her way to a meeting. She stopped long enough to say hello & tell me she liked my web site though, so hi Lorna & Peter.
From the Cannabis College I went to the Prostitution Information Center & scored a couple of t-shirts & the Eros map of Amsterdam. This really is the place that should be a must on any visit to Amsterdam. You should call in on your first day in town & ask about anything you might want to know about. I did mention the place to Tommy & Cath, but I thought it better to leave them to find their own way there. The Information Center is staffed by very friendly persons who are well able to converse sensibly on a variety of related subjects in an intelligent & no nonsense manner with only appropriate humor. There is information here on everything sex related from the history of the Red Light Area itself, to a dummy up of a curtained window ‘shaggin’ cabin’ like those the girls operate in. You can get information about both sides of the Queer scene here too. There are also designer condoms to be had, as well as erotic maps & ‘pleasure guides’. There are also leaflets on what the Police will bust you for including: pissing in the street, shouting late at night, hard drugs, soft drugs & tips about avoiding the Balletje game. This is usually a game played on a square of carpet with three match boxes & a small paper ball. It’s a con of course, & his mate will be picking your pockets while you play.
Hot tired & carrying a heavy backpack by now it was time to head back to H.H. & unload, have a drink & a smoke. When I got back the big news was that Tommy & Cath had succeeded in finding a vibrating dildo. Tommy wanted to talk at length about its functioning. How it had been ‘road tested’. I told him to shut up as I intended eating soon.
It was around then that, through talking to Derek & Mic, I found out that Vickey was the artist of one of the mushroom identification posters I had purchased for export. Swiftly I talked her into posing with her work outside where the light was better. She was a little unsure going all coy & nervous about being photographed with her work but I talked her round with, “If they know who you are they can ask you to do work.”
I opted for a take away Indian from Tagor across the road that night & ate in the bar with Rob, Mic, Jess, Derek & Vickey. Jess was working the bar tonight. I had met her the night before in Homegrown Fantasy where she had sold me some Shiva & killed a huge mosquito that was on my leather.
Later that same night I got into a long conversation with Mila about all kinds of things. Somehow it came out in the conversation that Mila had been born in Liverpool at St Stephens. Her parents had resided in Liverpool’s Abacromby between 1943 and 1945. That meant that she was one of ours.
It had been a good day & I was happy with how it had gone, so I went up to my room (4) happy. Sitting in the middle of the floor studying on a map I began making plans for the following day whilst I finished off my last cider of the evening & the last half of an Ital. Ten minutes or so later the peace of the entire neighbourhood was shattered when the Hemp Hotel’s fire alarm went off.
Relighting my Ital which had gone out again I opened the windows to the little balcony & looked over the rails to Room 2 below me. I could see nothing out of place, so I guessed that the kinky couples equipment hadn’t started a fire. So putting on my shoes I opened the door of the room & made my way downstairs & outside. Tommy & Cath weren’t back yet nor were they likely to be any time soon. I had seen them on my way back to the bar going out on a ‘hooker hunt’. They asked me if I wanted to come along. I again declined. Even with a new haircut & the new clothes I couldn’t bring myself to think about messing with them giblets. I checked all the rooms on my way down but everybody else was already outside. With a cider in one hand & a spliff in the other I sat on the bench outside H.H. waiting for someone to come turn off the alarm. It was a warm night & even when it began to rain a little I didn’t mind.
The Aussie girls were in good spirits standing outside joking about it being an improvised rave, with the repetitive rave siren of the alarm & all the flashing lights of the Police cars they had a point. Just then Tommy & Cath turned up. They looked kind of perky after their walk. I didn’t ask. Mercifully Lali arrived just then all the way from Arnham. As the door of Bas’s car swung open, but before her foot touched the road surface, she was blaming me for setting off the alarm.
“If that’s you I’m going to murder you.”, she said opening the Hotel Bar door to turn off the alarm. I was shocked & stunned.
“Me ?!!?”
“You didn’t have the window open did you ?”, looking at the alarm, “Its your floor. If that’s your room ……..”
“Window ?!”,
…… and then dawning realization began to creep into my brain. It was a new smoke alarm, and it was really sensitive. I’d been sat right underneath the damned thing. Lali charged past me up the stairs & saw a flashing red light outside my door. “It is you.”, she hissed near knocking me backwards down the stairs as she shot past.
Tommy didn’t help matters asking, “Is it too early for breakfast ?”. I thought Lali was going to pole axe him. Cursing me some more she got back in Bas’s car & was away again into the remains of the night. It was 4:20 am. I was devastated.
“Window ………… ?!”
I couldn’t believe I’d been the one to set the bloody thing off. After all I hadn’t done anything I hadn’t done before many times over the last five years. It had also been Lali’s night off too. Gods was I in trouble. I had to go & have a walk around for half an hour then to get my head together. I was visioning trying to deal with a pissed off Lali for the next couple of days & I knew she would make life Hell for me. How was I going to make it up with her ? There were the other guests too. Tommy & Cath had been out walking when the alarm went off, but everybody else was there. They had all been good natured, but that had been before they all knew who had set off the alarm, & how. It looked like I’d be buying a few drinks on the morrow. I needed another spiff but by now I was paranoid about smoking it. ______________________________________________
Wednesday 30th July
I came round about 10:00 am after passing out some time after 5:25 am. The memory of the fire alarm greeted me. I showered & dropped off a roll of film at the camera shop before breakfast. On the way back to H.H. I ran into the two Aussie girls & their friend.
“Gooday firestarter.”
I winced slightly, made my apologies, and explained what had happened. They were good about it, seeing the funny side of the situation. Over breakfast there was more of the same. Tommy started trying it on, mentioning things like compensation until I reminded him that he hadn’t actually been in the building at the time. Anasha & the bar regulars had a lot of fun with it when they found out. Especially when they realized that Lali had had to come & turn it off on her night off.
After breakfast I went over to pick up the books I’d ordered at the Mushroom Galaxy in Rembrantplein only to be told that they weren’t in yet. So having a half hour to kill I went over to the Pollinator Co. & filled Mila in on the nights events before she heard about it from someone else.
“Oh, it was you.”, she said laughing at her daughters response. It turned out that some of the posters I had ordered from Mila actually came from the Mushroom Galaxy, & Mila was waiting for one of her team to go & pick up her new order. Wanting to score some brownie points, I volunteered to go pick up her order for her. So back to the Mushroom Galaxy I went, signed for the pick up, & took it back to the Pollinator Co. where my split was taken.
The books I wanted still had not come in yet. However, the rest of my Pollinator order was complete, so I took it back to H.H. & hung out in the bar waiting for the books to arrive & my film to develop. I had intended to go to Haarlem today but, well, that’s the way it goes in Amsterdam. You need a week to do what should be done in a weekend. Still it was nice to hang out & relax.
“Wait Till Lali Gets Hold Of You !” Bar Scene (Anasha behind bar), Ferran, Rob, Angela & Danielle.
Back in the H.H. Bar much merriment was being had at my expense as a result of the previous evenings events. The Irish lads got some good mileage out of it. Eventually, I went back to Mushroom Galaxy & this time did pick up the books. Signing the receipt I read the name of the company on the bill. I felt like I’d been a world class fool twice in 24 hours. I had been e-mailing this company for months trying to sort out a deal on the Anne Bonney book. In fact that was why I was in town. I’d got fed up & come to town to get a number of these little deals sorted out. Also it was going to be cheaper to import the stuff myself than have it sent. I could have saved myself a lot of time & inconvenience the last couple of days if only I’d known that half the stuff I wanted came from this one place. That & some stuff Stickii would tell me later. But that’s the way life is, upside down & backwards.
Sharon & Sharon had just looked at me smiling before realization dawned upon me. They had known who I was two days ago when I’d first walked into their shop. Stickii had mentioned me in some of his conversations with his publishers. Like Lorna & Peter at Cannabis College, Tony at Sagamatha Seeds & several Coffeeshop owners/workers, they knew about the guy from Liverpool. It seems Viper’s infamy is spreading through some very interesting circles !
They too enjoyed the story of the nights event, & made it subtly clear they pitied anyone who’d upset Lali. Gods, what a trip this was turning out to be. Back at H.H. I began trying to figure out how I was going to be able to pack my bags again. Having sorted that out, I went down to the bar & discussed with Anasha what I could do, or get Lali, to try make it up to her. I had another take out at the bar that night. This time an Indonesian banquet. Irish Mic helped me finish it.
At some point Stickii turned up to talk about his friend Tom who did tours of coffeeshops from Cannabis College. I already knew about him but learned a lot from Stickii. While we were talking Angela & Danielle left the bar. Turning to Mic who was concentrating on spliff building I began a soliloquy, as the phone started ringing, about how cute Angela was. She had these big brown eyes & a smile that could melt sheet steel. Every time I talked to her I felt like I was at the top of a staircase I was about to fall headlong straight down. I just went liquid looking into those eyes. She could have done anything, & I’d have let her. Coming to the end of my passion felt sentiments Mic looked up to say something then looked past me in shock & back down to his spliff again where he became ever so engrossed in roaching. I turned & Angela was standing right behind me, where she had been called back by Anasha to answer the phone. Everything went silent, Angela finished her call, smiled & abruptly left the bar. Mic started pissing himself.
“How long was she stood there ?”, I asked before breaking up myself.
We had no idea. Mila came in & we got talking for hours about all sorts until the two Aussie girls Danielle & Angela came in with Matt. They took a drink off me as apology & that was when Tommy Torment started piping up about compo again. So I again reminded him he was out walking when the alarm had gone off, and that the first thing I’d done was look down at their room in case any of their equipment had shorted out & caught fire through over zealous use. As I joked with Mila, Mic, Rob & Jess & the Aussies about fear of what Lali might do to me if she saw me, Tommy slunk off to Cath in room 2. Once he was gone the level of piss taking rose to dizzying new heights. The Aussie girls from room 5 who had been in, had a drink & smoke & gone to bed had to get up again & come back down to the bar till it shut because we were all laughing so much. ________________________________________________
Thursday 31st July
After a lazy breakfast & reaching a decision with Anasha about what to get Lali I headed over to the Pollinator to say goodbye. On the way I secured a bottle of Givinchy & had it gift wrapped & some free samples thrown in, one of which was for Bas. I showed Mila when I got to the Pollinator & we laughed a little. Mila said she would put in a good word for me with Lali & wished me a safe journey.
On the way back to H.H. I dropped into Stix for my last score of the trip. Then I took back my bike & settled in at the bar until it was time to go. It had been a good visit. Good connections were made & strengthened, trade was conducted, people & places identified, and plans for the future could be moved to the next step. It had also been eventful & hilarious, but I never did meet up with Zoe. Still, I did meet Tim & Michele.
Sitting at the bar knocking down cider & constructing a 2g Ital of Shiva I was rather touched at the number of people who stopped by to say goodbye. The Aussies, Tommy & Cath, Anasha, Stickii, Rob & Mic, Derek & Vicky & bar regular Maarten. Everyone took a hit off the large Ital. Danielle got a surprise when she took a huge greedy toke not realizing there wasn’t any tobacco in there, but she made a good recovery. “Smooth.”, she said between the hacking coughs. Tommy & Cath wanted a photo of me so I got one of them too.
Stickii turned up having made up a special order of Viper strength bon bons. One of them was shared among those at the bar. I took three for eating in the airport. Finally it was time to go. Flicking away the Ital’s roach I picked a taxi. Sitting in the taxi’s passenger seat on the way to the airport I was stoned immaculate. I had a nasty moment when my case had to be X-rayed specially, but everything was cool.
I did indeed eat the chocs in the airport before take off. They were scrummy & I washed them down with a can of duty free Grolsh. I do not remember the flight. Only waking up upon touch down. I was most definitely ‘got’ by Stickii & waiting for my case to appear I wondered at my power of oratory should my case be opened. There wasn’t anything illegal in there but it might require slick words of explanation should it be poked about in. Thankfully that never came up & I was home sinking cider & puffing on an Ital within an hour and a half from landing.
I was still higher than fuck on Friday & I didn’t slow down the cider intake until I came around Sunday morning, & come downstairs to a table full of empty bottles, one of which had been the remains of the Green stuff I’d took to H.H., & then the memory of meeting my neighbour from across the road for the very first time the night before in the pub while I was dressed head to foot in black & leather wearing my Prostitution Information Centre T-shirt, whalloped off my chuck, came back to me.
Gods, I remember bringing him back & pouring him a glass of Green. He couldn’t get near it without his eyes watering. I remember he headed for the door when I reached for my pipe. Time to straighten up a bit I suppose.
Vern
Paiyne 4th August 2003 ________________________________________
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Re-published with alteration 5/4/2004
Re-published 26/9/2004 Re-published 1/1/2006
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